The 365 d Project.

 

07.06.15

The last 24-months have been the hardest of my life to date. I sold a home that I loved; said goodbye to amazing friends, and a professional community & workplace that were my backbone; left beautiful Montana after nearly 10 years, and moved across the country. As a result, I became deeply depressed. 

 

Last summer, I had the choice to move again with the one of loveliest men that I know. Deep down I knew that if I went, that there was a high likelihood that I would get sicker. I had lost my sense of self, my internal home, and because of the depression, I did not have any idea which path would lead me back.

 

I left the U.S. 11 months ago because living abroad, and its challenges and adventures, was the only thing that I could think of that was ‘Jen.’ I had hoped that fully immersing myself with new cultures, smells, sounds, and languages would “electro-shock” my brain out of the depression. I also promised myself that, in addition to my yoga practice, I would meditate every day for 365 days. I first started meditating over 15 years ago, spending time in various meditation centers and Buddhist monasteries in my early-20s. But as I transitioned to adult life, my meditation practice fell to the wayside. So, on August 7, 2014, my first day outside of the U.S., I sat for Day 1 in the Fiji airport. Some days I could only manage to find 5 minutes to sit; other days I would meditate for 2.5 hours. But every day after I finished meditating, I would read a daily “Meditations from the Mat: Daily Reflections on the Path of Yoga,” and write about my experiences. 

 

After much hard work, around my 160th day, I woke up and it was if a switch had been flipped – I had finally found home again. 

 

Tomorrow marks my 335th day of meditation. As I prepare to finish my 365 days of meditation, to celebrate my last 31 days, I will post one picture a day of what ‘home’ means to me. On the 366th day, I will put my ‘365 d’ Project to rest. 

 

To be honest, I was scared to write this post, partly because I was worried about judgments, and partly because I shy away from sharing TMI. And, mostly because, as someone who has always worked so hard to maintain pristine physical and mental health, it feels tremendously vulnerable to announce that I had been so sick. But over this past year, because of my '365 d' album, I have gotten private messages from long-lost Facebook acquaintances. My hope is that if you feel like you have lost your home, reading this post will give you a little bit of light for your dark tunnel. Even if we have not connected in umpteenth-years, mi casa es su casa.